Thoughts and Reflections

Dreamland

2010-02-07T10:32:00.003-08:00

http://ccpruett.wordpress.com/2010/02/07/dreamland/

Revelation Song

2010-02-06T16:20:00.001-08:00

http://ccpruett.wordpress.com/2010/02/07/revelation-song/

Changing Blogs

2010-01-29T10:47:00.000-08:00

Hi guys... or like the 2 people who maybe follow this blog semi-regularly. I have moved my blog to WordPress. I am still in the process of getting everything set up. But my new blog is called Mon Cheri' Amour, which you can find at ccpruett.wordpress.com/
See ya there ;D

Blessings,
Cayla

Blogger Tips?

2010-01-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

So I am trying to figure out how to make my page much cooler than it is. I hate the bland templates that blogspot gives you... I found the one currently on my page on some blogger templates page online... but I can't for the life of me figure out how to change the stupid rolling pictures. Does anyone know how to edit this kind of stuff? I would love any advice for sprucing up my page ;)

Thanks!

dreams and day dreams

2010-01-23T20:51:00.000-08:00

I've been watching a lot of ALIAS lately. It's kind of funny because I really hate TV. We don't even get channels, and I could care less. But if you get me in front of a series on DVD that I can really get into... oh Lord, watch out! Anyway... it's been pretty obnoxious lately. Hours of my day are swept away because I can't wait to find out what happens next... confession: I find myself living vicariously through the characters... wishing my life was half as exciting and I was half as b.a. as Jennifer Garner. lol. But all of this is really far from besides the point. The only relevance this has, is just that since I have been so glued to the TV... I have found myself having some really vivid dreams. Dreams that linger long after I have woken up.
The other night I had this one so vivid that the details and images of it are still clear as day to me. I think about it all the time. This is going to sound so bizarre, but I dreamt I had 8 children... as in babies... all at once! It was terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. I recall specifically one child I had was this little black baby boy who quite literally fit into the palm of my hand. He was so precious. I believe he was wrapped in some kind of red bandana... which is a bit strange now that I come to think of it. But I remember this moment when he was in my hands and I just thought "what a beautiful thing! I want a picture to capture this moment!" I couldn't find a camera, but I wanted to freeze that moment so bad. All the rest of my kids were white-- so I don't really know how that happened. Maybe, and bare with me as I'm thinking of all this only in the moment, but maybe that's some kind of sign that I am going to adopt & will love him just as if he really were my very own. What a beautiful thing I think! I hope this dream comes true.
The dream, besides the already highlighted portion above, was very bizarre. The children kept growing up every time I blinked my eyes pretty much. It what must have been a days time they went from premies, to the size of 5 & 6 year olds... if not older. I recall the feeling of panic as I realized they were half grown & I hadn't even had the chance to name them... ANY of them! Plus (really bizarre side note) my mom had also had a large batch of kids... and so they were all running around together and I couldn't keep track of them or tell them apart. I didn't even know how many boys and how many girls I had had... how was I supposed to pick names??! lol. (I know this is absolutely insane, I don't blame you if you stop reading!). It was a frantic feeling to be sure... but the feeling of intense love & wonder and awe was never diluted nor ever dissipated. I had so much pride over them.
All of this got me to thinking today... (since I can't seem to stop thinking about this crazy crazy dream!) maybe the orphanages we visit this summer will feel something like this dream. Chaotic and overwhelming, tragic even... but full of joy & passion & love. I am so excited for this trip! I think if I ever do adopt, which I definitely want to do, it will be a little black baby from Africa. So maybe there is much more truth to this dream after all! ;D

...I will love you...

Grace and Peace.

the reNEWal of a NEW year

2010-01-22T20:42:00.000-08:00

December 2009, headed into the New Year. There really is something new stirring in me and in my family this year. My mom has had some kind of spiritual awakening and it's been beautiful getting to sit back and watch her evolve and embrace the woman the Lord has always intended her to be. She's changing in very real ways and it's been an amazing blessing to witness it and share in her new found joy. This holiday break was the first time my family attended church regularly since before I can remember. My mom woke up one day and had a revelation that just hit her... suddenly she knew that the life she was living was not enough, and that she needed more... she needed relationships, with God and with others... she needs community.

So mom, all the girls and I attended every Sunday at Church on the Hill in Salem (COTH) and it was a great blessing for my heart to be a part of that. Mom also joined a women's life group there and is getting really plugged in. I think the girls (my sisters that is) are going to follow a similar route soon by getting involved in the various youth programs at the church as well. This is so exciting for me to know that they are getting plugged into a community that will invest in them on a spiritual level and in a way that will encourage them in kingdom perspectives rather than worldly ones. It's hard not getting to be around to invest personally and regularly as a mentor into the lives of my younger sisters the way I so wish I could do... but I feel encouraged and hopeful that God is providing even still! (not that he needed me around to do accomplish this of course!)

Some other realizations came to a head this break also, such as my feelings toward my dad... and some deep wounds I have. But the way I've come to see it, my father is lost in many ways-- I can see it in his perspectives on life. He really isn't living any life at all, and I know he gets depressed just going through the motions with very little purpose and very few relationships. One of my professors, who I consider to be a very strong, very wise woman challenged our class at the end of last year to do a few things for 2010. One of those things was to commit to pray for one person every day of 2010. Initially, upon receiving this assignment, I didn't even know who I might possibly chose for such a thing. And then over break it was made very clear that I was supposed to pray for my dad. This of course was the last thing I ever wanted to come to terms with because if I am honest, he is the last person I can imagine wanting to spend every day praying for. I don't even know how to pray for him. I just want to stay angry. But... truly, deep down, this is not true. I really do want to move forward. And as I've committed to pray for him every day of 2010, I'm beginning to see that in praying for his healing, there is just as much healing that needs to be accomplished in my own life. I can see that this is going to be a very intense journey on which God is going to teach me a lot about myself along with learning to see my dad in a whole new light. And I'll probably fight it every step... but I am really going to try and embrace it. My hope, or expectation rather is that between moms and my own prayers, God is going to come through in some pretty awesome ways [insert here verse for 2010: Psalm 5:3. "In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation"]. I trust that God is moving and speaking and I just have to be willing to lay it down and wait for him in hopeful expectation that he will fulfill his promises.

Beyond this, I got to spend some quality time with my Uncle Rob over break as well. I witnessed what I believe to be the beginning of true bridge-building between him and my family. HUGE praise. Very excited to see what is in store there as well.

So basically, this New Year is clearly different somehow. It's a year of transition and ground-breaking change. I'll be leaving APU in a few months and on to a brand new season of life altogether. Some of the changes will be good, ie. Marissa coming to APU in the fall (another huge development from break, which I mention in my last post), while others may be more painful. But I am confident that God is moving... God is speaking. This year... let us hear... let us listen!

A New Adventure...

2010-01-02T17:13:00.000-08:00

So I am here, in Oregon, for the last real Christmas "vacation" I'll probably ever have. My one goal was to really soak it up, to fully embrace and enjoy every moment with my family... so that I could look back and say at least I had one last really great "bang" with my family before I begin work and my breaks are reduced to just a few days off here and there. Yet I find myself almost immediately right back where I started... so easily falling back into the rhythms I am accustomed to at home... which isn't all bad. But I have learned about myself, that short breaks are good for me, and I can enjoy them, but after a few days of no responsibility, I begin to crave activity. My sister, for instance, is working at a local restaurant here as a hostess, and she works a lot! And as much as I realize that what she is doing is probably not all that invigorating, at least she has something to do! I on the other hand, am doing next to nothing. I have no real way of making any money. In fact, I am practically losing money since I have to take so much time off of work. I find myself getting extremely stir crazy after so many days of sleeping in and sitting around all day watching movies. lol. I don't even like TV in the first place. So all of this to say, it's been kind of weird. I hoped to have a much more active break. But alas, it is what it is I suppose, and certainly there have been some really cool moments as well, a few of which I will share.

For starters, the most exciting thing that happened this break, actually just happened a few days ago. My sister, Marissa and I went into town. We were going to sign her up for classes at Chemeketa, our local community college. She has taken 2 classes there so far, and absolutely hates the place, who can blame her? Walking in that building for the first time with her was immediately uninviting and had a very industrial, "business" like feeling. I thought it ironic that it is called a "community" college since there is no real sense of community there whatsoever. People there don't care who you are or how you are. It certainly is nothing like the experiences I have had a APU. Anyway, as it turns out, Marissa had waited so long to register for the winter term classes that she literally couldn't get into any classes but one writing course. It was practically a waste of time. But on our drive home, we got into a heart to heart about life, school, love and all of that, and I couldn't believe the turn the conversation took. #1 key point, she hates Chemeketa. She wants so badly to be a part of a community that actually cares and where she can actually be challenged in ways that actually matter to her. #2, she is dying for some strong Christian girlfriends who she can really call friends. She has her boyfriend, and honestly, that is about it. She doesn't hang out with anyone from high school anymore because she has no one she has found to be an encouraging or uplifting presence in her life. So sad. And #3, she is craving opportunities to grow strong in the Lord. "Cayla," she told me, "I want what you have. I want to be on fire for the Lord. Ever since I visited APU I have wanted to go SO bad, with everything in me I wanted to go. And I was so sure I was going to go. But then I came home and everyone told me that it was too unreasonable, that I was asking too much: that is, it's too expensive, it's too far away, too 'risky'. But I feel like I have been living my whole life playing it "safe" and I'm so sick of it! I feel like I don't have any meaning in my life and I am dying to learn and grow in the Lord. Every time you come home I feel so inspired, like I really could do it! But when you leave, I get sucked back into this black hole where people tell me I can't do it, and I believe them." At this, I am beginning to tear up mind you. I want nothing more in life than to see my sisters have the experiences they want. Especially considering their desires are so pure and good. I feel like they are my own children and I would fight until the death of me to help them get there. How unfair that just because I was willing to fight for my dream, I would get it, and just because she is more timid in speaking her dreams she would not? This breaks my heart because I see others potential (this is actually one of my strengths: maximizer. Basically this means I see other peoples' potential... all the things they can be and can accomplish if they would just set their minds to it... and so it really affects me when I see those I love not taking advantage of such opportunities). Anyway, I looked at her and told her "Marissa, you can do it! You keep praying for strong Christian girlfriends, but what are you doing to pursue it? Maybe the Lord is just waiting for you to take advantage of the opportunities he has set before you! I believe in you... if you want this, you should do it because you'll always regret letting it slip through your fingers." She looked at me with the most resolved look in her eyes... "I HAVE to go! I am going to go!" OMG amazing!! I don't know that I have ever been more proud of her. And as tempting as it is to assume that I want her to go to APU because that is where I went and I clearly love it, I really just want her to go because it is what she wants. She has found her voice... and I cannot wait to see the way the Lord blesses her for trusting Him to provide for her along the way. It's bound to be an incredible journey for her. When she told my mom, "Mom, I'm going to APU... I just HAVE to!" My mom stopped what she was doing, looked at her and smiled. "Really? If that's what you want... then I am so proud of you!" It was just the confirmation that she needed. Praise the Lord.

I am going to leave this post to that... because I know that I tend to be very long-winded and this post is already really long. I will write again soon though. I want to talk about resolutions and the New Year... which I am pretty excited about. But that is for next time.

Blessings to you all.

'tis the season to be... egocentric?

2009-12-24T00:18:00.000-08:00

Why is it that this time of year brings out the absolute worst in us all? I was reading a friends blog today on what it might look like to reinvent Christmas... how we just have it all so backward. He is absolutely right. We most certainly have it all wrong. He wrote about a revolutionary, transformative way to do Christmas. To think of anyone other than ourselves. To earnestly seek out what it might mean to provide for the basic needs of another person rather than contribute to the excess of all our luxuries. I have already been thinking about this for a long time now, but it seems next to impossible to turn around tradition suddenly, people cling on to their traditions for dear life if you haven't noticed. Not that traditions are so bad... please understand. But I have to ask, how did we get so far off course?

I have not been home for 1 whole week and I have seen some of the most incredibly insensitive and egocentric attitudes and sentiments emerge in my own family... it makes me sick. My youngest sister has been particularly temperamental. Constantly ungrateful and pouty. I'm like, dear Lord child, don't you see how spoiled you are??? The amount of CRAP sitting under the tree for you right now is absolutely ABSURD. And you have the nerve to complain about anything?? Part of me just wants to ship her off to Africa and come back in a year and see how she feels about the cushy life she lives here. Granted though, she is only 11 and a great deal of the reason she sees the world as she does is because we have conditioned her to do so, or perhaps, because we have not taken the time to "uncondition" her to think otherwise. Anyway, I just get frustrated because I worry that this really has become what it's all about. "What can I get out of the deal." At church a few weeks back a guest speaker pointed out a very wise point... we have taken a supporting scene from the gospels and made it the center. The wise men bringing the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and myrrh was merely a supporting scene... it certainly is not what the story was about! So once again, how have we managed to get so far off track? Where is Jesus in all of this mess?

My friend said something in his blog that was particularly poignant to me. He said this: "Christmas time, the time when we are to celebrate the birth of Christ our savior and worship God is ironically the worst time of the year for us with consumerism." It's not as though I didn't already know this to be true, but just putting it into words breaths new life into this stinging reality. How do we always manage to screw things up so badly?

My sister, Marissa, was in town last week trying to do some Christmas shopping. It was pouring down rain when she saw this man standing on the side of the street with a plastic bag over himself in order to stay dry. She immediately noticed he had no gloves. Now just to preface this story a little bit, my sister Marissa is an amazing soul. She is one of those naturally tender hearted people who just feel very deeply... and empathy just runs deep within her veins. Now she is not regularly accustomed to just talking to strangers or homeless men on the street, at least not yet anyway ;) But on this particular afternoon she was so moved... she knew immediately that she had to do something. Where she was at, there was no where to pull over or park, so she was frantic to try and find a way to reach him. But she didn't even know where to begin to help this man. She thought maybe she would take him some hot cocoa, or coffee... "but what if he doesn't like that?" she thought. And then it dawned on her that she would go buy him gloves. So she ran into the nearest store and bought these really nice outdoor gloves that she thought would withstand the weather and hurried back to find the man. But every time she circled the corner where he stood, she couldn't reach him. The light would be green and there would be a whole line of cars behind her... another time, the light would be red and she would be at the back of the line of cars and too far to get his attention. And there was no where for her to pull over. She was racking her brains as to how she could reach this man, and as she went to take another approach to get closer, she noticed a woman standing on another corner who was wearing only a thin jacket in the pouring rain and no gloves. She pulled over and asked the woman, "would you like some gloves?" The woman looked at her surprised, and said "Oh! Thank you... thank you so much!" My sister said there was so much gratitude and joy in the woman's eyes... and it broke her heart. She never could reach that man, and she cried all the way home. Home... is at least a 15-20 minute drive... especially in holiday traffic. She never went back to get any shopping done. She had just witnessed true need, and realized that she didn't need anything. So all the way home, she cried and cried. And before she got home, she tried to conceal her emotions and dry her eyes... but when she walked in the door and our mom asked her if she was alright... she started crying immediately again.

Finally, a glimpse of what it means to get the point! I wish all of our hearts would break like this this Christmas. Jesus has always been about the other... the poor, the orphan, the widow... about meeting the basic needs of those who have not the ability to do so themselves. He was NOT about contributing to excess and needless wealth. So how do we justify it? I write this reminded of how overflowing our Christmas tree is... I don't know how it gets this bad. But I hope that in the future... slowly, perhaps, but eventually, we will get there... and we will find a way to see the world through the eyes of Christ. Lord help us get there.

Not Feeling My Age

2009-12-22T00:32:00.000-08:00

I got called "ma'am" today. I thought I'd be at least 10 years older before that would start happening. And the kid wasn't even that much younger than me. Maybe 19, 20 or so. I stopped at a gas station to put water in my coolant (my sister let me borrow her car, little did I know half way into town it would start to overheat). Anyway, this would have been much easier in California because you just pull up to the little pump and put water in... noooo big deal. But as it turns out, here in Oregon they apparently stop offering water during the winter season... I assume because the water pipes freeze. So instead of just taking care of it myself and being on my way, I had to pull up and have a couple guys help me out (which is annoying when you're in a hurry). Anyway, one of the younger attendants ran up to the guy who was helping me to give him $40 dollars from a pump that he had helped out, and in doing so, reached across me. "Sorry ma'am," he said. I assured him he was fine, even though I was a little taken aback by his assessment. Ma'am... really? He was so polite I was surprised he didn't tip his hat and bow as he walked away. Lol. So either he is straight from the south, or I turned 30 in my sleep and didn't know it. What's scary is one day that's really going to happen. But what if I never feel my age? I don't know when I'll feel comfortable with ma'am... but I hope it's not because my age is catching up to me...

A little laughter never hurt anyone... :)

2009-12-16T10:47:00.000-08:00

I have been so bad about posting! Finals week is here and everything leading up to it is just miserable... so there has been no time for anything extra really. But it's really quite unfortunate because along the way there have been several moments that have made me feel really inspired to write, and I have missed them because I have been too busy to sit down and work it out. So this blog isn't really going anywhere special... but here is a youtube video I just saw that made me die laughing... thought I'd share it with you all and maybe you can get as much joy from another's embarrassment as I did! hahahaha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tM_UtrUXPPc

Come Home; A Beckon

2009-12-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

So this is a song I recently wrote while I was home for Thanksgiving. In my Hebrew Prophets class, our final project is to take a book or passage from one of the Old Testament Prophets and re-express it in a modern art form. Essentially our professor's point being that the prophets were artistic, they were poets. But their form of poetry and meter doesn't necessarily resonate with our modern culture the way it did with theirs. So he wanted us to re-present it in a more contemporary manner... we could use any art form we desired. So of course I wrote a song. This is based off of the book of Hosea, more specifically from a passage in chapter 2, beginning with verse 14:

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Bring her into the wilderness
And speak tenderly to her.
"Then I will give her vinyards from there,
And the valley of Achor as a door of hope.
And she will sing there as in the days of her youth,
As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
"It will come about in that day," declares the LORD,
"That you will call Me Ishi
And will no longer call Me Baali.
"For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth,
So that they will be mentioned by their names no more...
"I will betroth you to Me forever;
YEs, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice,
in loveingkindess and in compassion,
And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.
Then you will know the LORD...
"I will sow her for Myself in the land.
I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion,
And I will say to those who were not My people,
'You are My people!'
And they will say, 'You are my God!"

Specifically the first verse which say "I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." I just couldn't help by think, "Wow, what would it be like if the Creator of the Universe allured you into the wilderness and spoke tenderly to you? What would He say? How would He feel... how would I feel? What would that experience look like?" etc. So I wrote this in response to these questions I had. The song is written from the perspective of the LORD. The picture is a picture that I feel helps evoke the emotion I'm going for... :)

Come Home; A Beckon
Your search for love reaches high and low,
But you do not find it where you roam.
No idols, wine, silver or gold,
And yet for wealth you sell your soul.
I recall a time you walked in light,
Yet still you seek your own demise.

And you've wandered far from home and,
You've made your bed in foreign lands.

Oh my child have you forgotten me?
Dismissed my love so easily...
Turn your gaze up to the skies
Drop those knees
And raise those eyes
Cause I'm waiting on the day I'll hear you say,
You'll come home.

My faithfulness will not depart
But must you always break my heart?
My fury burns as I fight for you,
So heed my words, I AM the truth.
You are my bride, I am your King,
And over you I'll rejoice and sing.

And I will never leave you,
No matter where you run to.

Oh my child why've you forgotten me?
You dismissed my love so easily...
Come fix your gaze up to the skies,
Bow your heart,
And raise your eyes.

Can you see I've waited all this time,
To restore your heart and bring it back to mine?
This pain you feel, oh it is my own,
So won't you let me come and bring you home?
Oh come home...

Santa Monica here I come

2009-11-14T21:25:00.000-08:00

So some things have changed since the last time I posted. This past week was quite eventful for me. Not only was it full of various tests and papers and such, it was also full of big news for the future. I got two more offers from the other accounting firms I applied to... one of which just so happened to be my first choice firm. Tuesday, November 10th, I officially signed with Moss-Adams LLP. I will begin work for them late October of 2010 after graduation, which means I have plenty of time to enjoy summer (or study and sit for the CPA exams I suppose... but lets not think on such things so early! lol). Anyway- the office I will be working out of is technically in Los Angeles, but not downtown (thank the Lord). It is actually basically Santa Monica. From the 9th floor sits a magnificent view of the ocean, and you can see the pier. It's pretty phenomenal. I was unable to conceal my excitement for days afterward... the weight of the reality that I have a job waiting for me when I graduate is just so surreal... I can't quite come to grips with it. Like, a real job... with an annual salary and such... a good one at that! I can't imagine what it will be like to have money in the bank. I am lucky if my current paychecks are over $100 ever pay cycle... that's certainly not enough to keep up on grocery's, gas, credit card bills, and my dear sweet little Brazilian boy whom I love but cannot afford. lol. So anyway- this is a pretty exciting place for me right now.

Also with this job comes an incredible roommate already lined up for the fall. Her name is Jillian. She's in my classes and will also be starting at Moss Adams with me in October. So we are going to look for an apartment in Santa Monica together, which is incredibly exciting for me. I think this would be a lot more of a stressful transition if I had to move and not have any prospects for a good roommate.

Yet with all of this anticipation and excitement, I find myself feeling the melancholy of it all as well. As much of an incredible blessing as it is that my two closet friends, Damian and Corinne, and myself all got job offers at firms that we are excited about, with this reality comes the fact that we will all be moving away from each other. Generally speaking I feel like I tend to do very well with change. I actually enjoy changes of scenery every so often when I get the chance to pick up and move. But this is not highschool anymore. I am so used to having Corinne and Damian, my two dearest friends whom I love with every ounce of fiber of my being, around me at all times... whenever I need them... where will I be next year when they are not so close and I come home after work late every single day exhausted and don't have their presences near me to recharge me? And not only will I be exhausted, they will be too... because hello, we are all about to be first year staff accountants for big firms... ahahahaha AHHHH!!! Exciting and frightening all the same. But even as we all say... "Oh we will keep in touch and make time for each other" and "Oh don't worry, we'll visit"... the reality is that it's going to be really difficult to coincide our schedules... unless we just all take the same vacations together (which has the potential to be great). But even when we do have down time, all we are going to want to do is rest. And I don't know, this just makes my heart sad.

In all honesty, Corinne won't be that far... just under an hour away. I mean, I feel like that is far for us... but it could be worse. Damian on the other hand is moving to San Francisco! He may as well move to the other end of the country, I'll probably see him just as often. haha. Oh dear. And then it doesn't help that he keeps sending me texts saying how sad he is going to be when I'm not around and how much he's going to miss me. Well great, I wasn't thinking about it until you got all sappy on me! Thanks a lot Dame! lol. Oh such is life I guess. It's just really going to be strange to leave the place that has become my home for the past 5 years... this is not just school for me... this really is my home. And now... time to start over again. There is something very tragic about this for me.

But I will conclude with gratitude that in this tumultuous economy, I received three offers of employment by prominent accounting firms... that is a miracle in and of itself... and I am sooo privileged. I am overwhelmed by God's grace.

Is It Odd...

2009-11-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

That I:

* Only like hot beverages if they are searing, & hot is not good enough?
* Wake up with the sun, as soon as there is the slightest bit of sunlight through the blinds, I'm awake.
* My strengths lie in the literary field, yet I chose Accounting as my career?
* I love absolutely every edible thing that comes from the ground without exception?
* I left Oregon to get away from the rain... and then complain that it's too hot here and wish the rain back in my life?
* I read magazines back to front?
* I hate television?
* Subscribe to the Wall-Street Journal but rarely have time to read it? Waste of money? Maybe.
* Believe that pretty much everything higher up (gov't) is subject to conspiracy theory.
* Love the outdoors but DESPISE being dirty?
* Love reading blogs and looking at other peoples wedding pictures, even if I don't know them?
* Am only 22 but seem to have the body of a 75 year old (in terms of injuries and aches and pains)? lol
* Love playing on our intramural volleyball team even though we collectively cannot seem to win a single game?
* Resent that I am not around to watch my siblings grow up, but refuse to move back home?
* Have a deathly fear of moths?
* Grew up on a farm but am not an animal person?

Still think I'm normal?
What makes you normal?

Thanks to Christine My Pretty Little Head for this fun idea :)

the first day of the rest of my life...

2009-11-03T20:31:00.001-08:00

So to start off with, today has been one of the most intense, hectic, crazy days of the semester. Basically, I have been up since 5am to study for a Hebrew Prophets test I had this morning at 8am... which I knew was going to be a monster of an exam. And while I'll confess, sitting in front of the exam I felt more prepared than I anticipated I would, it was still something that added a lot of stress to my plate prior to the experience. And then on top of that I had a 5 page paper due for my Senior Seminar class due for my 4:00 class, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal I know, but I only had 3 pages written prior to this morning... and I am a slow paper writer because I am extremely picky... essentially I don't believe in rough drafts. Sooo... needless to say I was stressed about that. My Sr. Seminar class is a 3 hour class, so even while this class is generally pleasant, it was just one more thing I needed to get through before I could relax. All I knew was that I needed to get through this day. And then, during my sr sem class, right as our professor said we were going to break for 10 minutes, I opened my email and BAM! What is the first thing I see in my inbox?
"Congratulations!!!" Capin Crouse

I'm sitting there as I read this and my heart stops beating I swear. I have to remind myself that I need to actually open the email now! What do I see?

"Cayla,

We would love for you to join our team! Attached is an offer letter for employment with Capin Crouse. Please let me know if you have any questions. Otherwise, the letter should contain everything you need. Have a great night!!!"

I kid you not, I was trembling. The poor guy sitting next to me had to take the initial brunt of my stunned-ness (is that a word? Doubt it). Anyway, he read the email and congratulated me... and quickly a few people started noticing that either something really bad or really good had just happened. A few friends found their way over and hugged and congratulated me as I wiped tears away from my eyes. The president of our school (who is our instructor) then took a moment to personally congratulate me as well... which was nice.

ANYWAY- the point being... I HAVE A GUARANTEED JOB AFTER I GRADUATE!!! OMG!

I literally don't know what to do with myself. God is so good... what an amazing end to a not so amazing day. Sigh, now I can just relax and enjoy my last year! :)

If only I could find a man like Emily...

2009-10-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

So today after church, Emily and I were driving through Pasadena to the shopping strip (I was shopping for a LeFemmes dress, which I didn't find btw) and we were just talking about life and giggling like girls do. But it was perfect, because pretty much every single thing I say to Emily makes her laugh hysterically... to the point where I begin to wonder if she is going to start breathing again... haha. And it's even better, because she just genuinely thinks I'm the funniest person on earth, which is funny to me in and of itself... because lets be honest, I don't feel like I get this as a general consensus from most people. But having someone around who constantly tells you you're funny makes you a little bit wittier and funnier somehow. And truly, being with Emily, lets face it, just makes me feel really great about myself. ;) But today she said to me through laughter of hysteria, "I just love you! I need to be in your presence all of the time!!"
My thoughts: "That's great Emily, now if only I could find a man just like you!" Because seriously, she laughs at everything I say, and when I say something serious, she stops and looks at me as though I were spitting out words of pure gold that she is going to take away and cherish forever. hahahaha... gotta love this girl. But mostly, we just have a lot of fun together and I always feel so joyful and lifted up in her presence, and I think it's safe to say that this is a two-way street, and the feeling is mutual.
And if I am honest, as much as Emily is fabulous at flattering me, being in Emily's presence is like being in the best kind of sunshine. Refreshing and rejuvenating. You can't help but find yourself laughing from the deepest most inner part of your being... and you know you're at this point when your face starts hurting from smiling so much. I am so grateful for the blessing she is in my life... and whoever I marry someday would be well off to be half the man she is a woman. Love you Em.

You are lovely

Not so good at the "sexy face" but...

I love you for it <3

Pain in my neck... or back rather...

2009-10-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

So some of you may know this, but for the last 2 1/2 months I have been fighting against some severe lower back pains. I have good days and bad days, but the pain is always there. The health center here on campus sent me to a chiropractor where I spend a month and a half not getting any better. I knew all along that what he was doing was not at all improving the condition of the area of discomfort, but I didn't really have any other option until he saw it too. So finally, he gave up on me. He told me he didn't know what was wrong with me and that clearly he couldn't help me any further... aaaand so he referred me BACK to the APU health center... who evaluated me again today and then re-referred me to physical therapy. This is so lame. This seriously better help because I cannot go on like this for much longer. I am so active playing volleyball and taking cycle classes, yoga classes, etc, etc... and just running around here and there... I don't have time to be momentarily paralyzed from the waist down.
Why is it that there always seems to be something hindering us from fully appreciating and enjoying life? I feel like I'm at my prime right now, with so much to be excited about and passionately pursuing, and it just so happens to be unfolding concurrently alongside increased physical pain that is crippling me. Ugh, it's just frustrating I suppose... and this is just me venting. lol.
Hopefully therapy will help!!!

Birthdays and every day in between...

2009-10-18T15:08:00.000-07:00

So today is one of my friends 20th Birthday's. She is actually an ex-resident of mine. Haha, I hate the way that sounds... ex-resident? It sounds like we broke up or something. lol. But I used to be her RA and now she is a dear friend. Anyway, she came to church with me this morning, and on our drive home I asked her to reflect on her last year as a teen and tell me something that she loved about the past year. She did a great job identifying some specific memories that she cherishes, which I was proud of her for (this is always really difficult for me to pin-point on the spot). And then I asked her to tell me something that she was really excited about and looking forward to about year 20... the entering of a new decade. And again, she identified some things she is really anxious about. She seemed to have a really good outlook on aging and birthdays and the past and future alike.

[Happy Birthday Tay! You are so beautiful!]

Anyway, all of this is to say that our conversation got me to thinking about how I am currently feeling about my life. I remember back 2 1/2 ago when I turned 20, I practically had a panic attack in my mod with my roommates at midnight because I so desperately wanted the turn the clock back and be 19 again. The teens are easy; they're predictable. You can assume some responsibility, but you can still call home to mom and dad for help and it is totally acceptable. You can still fall back on being a child. 20 scared me because I knew that I could never again re-live my teens... not that I'd actually want to anyway, I mean who really wants to go back to high school right? I know, me neither, but simply the fact alone that I absolutely cannot, is scary to me for some reason. And then 21, well that was okay because then it's like, oh well, at least there is a good reason to be turning this age right? haha, now the only thing I'm restricted from doing is renting a car and getting the sr. discount at Denny's... sick. Who cares about that anyway? Again, me neither... glad we agree. :)

And then 22, well, in the months leading up to it, I absolutely hated the idea of it. I couldn't stand the idea that I had be be older than 21. 22 is the age most people graduate college (except for me of course... haha- yeah victory lap!). It's the year most people go out and get real jobs... jobs that provide paychecks they use to buy their first houses with, start families on... jobs they hate but are too afraid to quit and not confident enough to leave because damn, now they have mortgages to pay off, student loans to pay back, and mouths to feed. And this is the age I am now about to enter into. And if there is anything I have learned about time, it only flies by faster and faster as the years go on... so not only will I have to be 22, I will zip through this decade at twice the speed ahead of what I did when I turned 10. Terrifying? Completely. But even as I say all of this and it sounds "doomsday-esque", my point really is hopeful... bear with me.

On the morning of my actual 22nd birthday (I was actually at work at 24 hr fitness) and I was journaling, because well, it was 6 in the morning... and there isn't much to do at the front desk this early in the day. And so I was journaling, and just trying to take a moment to reflect on the past and look hopefully toward the future. I was just reading over that entry, and I would like to take a moment to share with you what I wrote that morning:
"It's official. I am no longer 21, but now 22 years old... eek! In the past few years I have learned about myself that I really dislike getting older. I supposed I do so every day (get older that is), but it's always the actual birthday when the meter switches the number that I get all antsy and weirded out. I definitely have a genuine fear of aging. :/ BUT, this will not bring me down this year... not today, not this weekend, not this year. This year it's going to be a time to start fresh- shed off the old... all the baggage of 21 (and believe me, there was baggage) and move on to bigger and better- I'm definitely ready for that! This year I hope to be a stronger, more confident woman. I hope to deepen and explore my relationship with Christ... to continue the development of intimate and meaningful relationships in my life. I want to live my days with intentionality truly as though each day were more valuable than the one before. I do not want to be weighed down by disappointments but encouraged by possibilities, and even better, by what is! I don't want to live in the past or the future more than I am living in the present."

Looking back on that entry, I am so proud of myself for starting off my year like that. I never do that. It usually takes me a month or so to ease into the age thing and become "okay" with it. And I can't say that everything has gone perfectly or all as planned by any means, but I do have to say that this year has been an encouraging one. I have really made an intentional effort be someone who says yes to things. And not just responsibilities that cause more stress on my life, but things that I love... things that I am passionate about and have never taken the time to do before because there was never enough time. But this year it struck me when I realized it was actually my last year as an undergrad in college, "crap! I better make the most of this!" And I have. I have been saying yes to things I love... taking risks and stepping into new opportunities that I am excited about, not weighed down by... and this is a brand new feeling for me. I finally feel like I can step into my twenties, embracing that reality, rather than feeling like by entering them I am simultaneously leaving them behind. Does that make any sense at all? I hope so.

Anyway, it's great to finally be in a place where the future looks hopeful. Which seems kind of ironic given the current economic climate and uncertainly all around. What a perfect time to feel confident! haha... oh such is life... always never as it seems ;) And all of this is not to say that I expect to never have bad days where I hate getting older anymore, I'm sure I will still struggle with this... but maybe you guys can keep me accountable for living in the present and being grateful for today. I could really use that reminder.

Blessings to you all on this bright, new, and handcrafted day.

This one is just for fun because it makes me feel hopeful just looking at it.

Oasis::Home

2009-10-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

I just need to take a moment and express how much my heart overflows with joy when I stop and think about my church. We (Oasis) just had our one year anniversary 2 weeks ago, and I feel so blessed to have been a part of such an amazing and authentic place as it has planted and started to grow its roots.

We are currently in the middle of a series on what it means to be an authentic and genuine, real community. That is, the church is not the place for those who have it all together, it is for those who are broken and don't have it all together and need a safe environment to struggle through hardships and failures, addiction and pain, as well as laughter and love and successes. And this morning, Jon spoke on the necessity for confession, and not just any confession, but public confession. Confession that forces us to humbly present our struggles before the congregation in trust that they are there to build us up and hold us accountable. No more secrets, no more struggling alone. Today's service was absolutely a beautiful experience. And I am pretty sure in many cases, it was the beginning of healing for a lot of people. Near the end of the service, Jon opened up the mic for anyone who wanted to go up and confess to do so... I can't begin to express how emotional the rest of the morning was. A lot of people stepped up and shared and even though I didn't know all of their stories, I was humbled by each confession.

I am so grateful to be able to call Oasis home... to me, I see a picture of what the church ought to be... what it ought to be practicing. Embracing authenticity and transparency and love at all times.
Oasis Church

I also shared this morning. I shared my internal struggle with my relationship with my father. Essentially, I resent my father for not caring to get to know me on an emotional, and soul-focused level. I resent that my entire life I have felt as though I have had to earn his love and make him proud of me... I resent that I've never fully felt like I've attained it. Please do not mistake me, I love my father. That is just it. I want so badly to have a healthy relationship with him, but I can't seem to spend more than 20 minutes in the same room with him before I am so filled with bitterness and resentment and disgust that I have to leave the room. And this shames me. The bitterness builds up so thick inside my chest it can induce nausea. I HATE this. I know my father loves me, and I know he is proud of me. I just feel like he only cares about what I am working to accomplish or do rather than who I am. For example, I did the summer internship at Oasis this summer, and flew straight home afterward for a 2 1/2 week stay, and not once did he ask me a single question about the experience... which was incredible by the way. And that breaks my heart.

Anyway- all of this to say, my father is very instrumental in the shaping of who I am today... mostly the struggles I have. I know who I am on the basis of knowing what I do not want to become. But the roadblock stands that I am unable to forgive and move past this. And this is so against my nature. I am a very forgiving person in general and in any other circumstance you can bet I am the last person to be burdened with a grudge or take offense at anything really. So I guess I am just confessing this in hopes that I will be able to move forward from here. I really want to let this go and forgive my father for the wounds inflicted. I don't want to be standing at his graveside before I am able to see that my own pride has kept me from building a bridge with my father rather than continually cementing the wall between us. Lord give me the strength to love my father fully and accept his love in return without reserve. Give me a humble and forgiving and gracious heart. I cannot do it without you. And thank you for Oasis, a place that encourages us to move forward in our faith by trudging through the garbage so that we might finally make it out of the rainstorm alive... together.

Beautiful day

2009-10-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

Can I just say that it is a BEAUTIFUL 72 degree afternoon, and I LOVE IT?! There is something about this time of year I just feel giddy inside! It's a strange feeling I can't pin-point, but it's just like a constant feeling of inspiration bubbling up inside me... yet I can't focus it anywhere. I wish I could describe it... there aren't words. But maybe pictures can help... these pictures make me crave Oregon.

A Resume as Personal Branding

2009-10-09T23:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so one of my instructors for my senior seminar class just posted this link to our online thread, and I thought it was so brilliant. I have always hated resumes and especially hated the thought that a potential employer might try to identify me by looking at a boring piece of paper! I am a lover of words and all things artistic, so I have always hated trying to present myself in a series of lists of old, unrelated, boring jobs and accomplishments... and how much can you say in one page anyway? But this article really sheds some great light on what we need to be considering and changing up when it comes to selling ourselves to potential employers... especially in this (I know, you're sick of hearing it) less-than-thriving economy.

Check it out:
A Resume as Personal Branding

Changing of the Seasons

2009-10-08T20:43:00.000-07:00

I must say, I definitely love California, and I love the sunshine and the generally pleasant weather here. But there is always this time of year where I start to feel nostalgic and resentful of the heat. Fall here is southern california always makes me miss home. Granted this week has been an exception for us, and it seems that autumn is creeping its way into our busy lives, but right about now in Oregon the weather is consistently in the mid to low sixties. It's a time for sweaters and scarves and socks and layers and blankets and fires and hot tea and cuddling and ______ (you fill in the blank). Get the picture?

It's a time of slowing down and spending more time indoors with the family. I picture myself back in my country-style home, cuddling on the couch with my mom under a cozy blanket by the fireplace, both of us with hot tea in hand, watching a movie or having intimate conversation, or listening to the girls play their music and sing. And then during the days, running to your car trying to avoid the rain, and making a pit-stop at Starbucks, or another local coffee shop, to get that extra-hot soy latte so you can warm your finger tips and your tummy. I swear that here in SoCal, our seasons are dictated by Starbucks alone. The only time us Californians know the seasons have changed are when Starbucks issues their famous "Red Cups" and starts offering their special seasonal drink, like Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and Salted Carmel Hot Cocoa (one of my roommates favorites), and Cinnamon Dolce Latte, etc. I'm sorry, but it's just not the same when you're drinking hot cocoa when it's 95 degrees out!

So all of this to say, I just adore it when we have weeks like this where the temperature drops to the low 70's and I can throw on a sweater and real shoes and feel like I can breath again. But then there is always that element, and maybe it's just me, but I can't help but want someone to cuddle up next to... to do all those lazy afternoon activities with. And then when I don't have that person, such is my current situation, then I really begin to miss my family. My mom and sisters, and even my dad for a fleeting moment for the sake of nostalgia ;) To hear my sisters sweet siren voices as they begin to play and sing their holiday favorites, and to enjoy all the seasonal festivities that I used to take for granted when I lived at home. And then since I can't have them, I begin to desire my own family that I can start my own seasonal traditions with... and the cycle just goes on and on. Essentially, Azusa just doesn't quite feel like home right now... and I guess that's just the way things are. But I am so grateful for the cool weather all the same.

Accountability Review

2009-10-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

So I am taking this senior seminar class on ethics, and it is taught by none other than our wonderful University President. The other day, he presented our class with a list of categories that he holds himself accountable to, and on each category, he personally grades himself with a letter grade on how well he felt he did on that particular aspect of his life. He does this every year and then presents these grades to the Board of Trustee's for accountability and transparency before entering the next year. He is a very honest grader, and it was very inspiring to see our President be so vulnerable with us. So as a class we were asked to participate in an online thread where we might possible come up with some categories that we would like to be held accountable on and might consider reflecting on semi-regularly to see how we are doing.

The following are categories in my life I would liket o be held accountable in (written as though another person were asking me each question):

Practicing Perpetuosity (perpetual generosity): Through all of scripture the command to care for the poor and needy is undeniable. God's justice and righteousness are meant to be a perpetual, ongoing blessing. So how are you participating in this blessing? How are you perpetuating the blessings that you have been given and getting your hands dirty serving God's people?
Learning for Pleasure: One of your top strengths is learner, so what are you doing to stay engaged in the conversation? What are you pursuing educationally out of genuine interest, such as taking a class that is of particular interest to you (i.e. Bible classes), or reading for pleasure which gets so difficult during the semester on top of all the required reading?
Creativity: Pursuing a vocation that is as potentially dry as accounting, it can be easy to get caught up in the details and numbers. But you are a creative soul, so what are you doing to cultivate this passion (i.e., creative crafts, playing/writing, music, playing sports, writing, photography, etc.)? What are you doing to pour back into yourself and explore the creative nature God planted in you?
Life Giving Relationships: You are really good at pouring into people that you love. But more times than not, you find yourself mentoring and rarely being mentored. How are you seeking out life-giving relationships that are mutually beneficial and relationships that offer accountability? How are you doing staying in touch and engaged with your family?
Slowing: It doesn't take long before your busy lifestyle turns chronic, what steps are you taking to slow down and partake in the Lord's rest? Are you taking a Sabbath? Are you taking time to reflect? How are you staying organized and balancing academics, work, play, relationships, etc.?
Seeking God and Listening: It is really easy to talk to God and chat his ear off all day long, but how are you intentionally seeking God's face in your everyday moments? You are very destination oriented, so how are you taking the time to notice the serendipitous encounters with your Maker? And furthermore, are you taking time to intentionally listen to God? What is he saying? What are you doing about it?

2009-09-27T18:18:00.001-07:00

I have been really bad about blogging since school has started... shame on me! But I thought I'd update. Life has been going really well lately. Even with the crazy busy week I had this past week, all is on the up and up and I am really enjoying this semester thus far. I really like my classes (I have 2 accounting classes, which are okay, but not super exciting or anything). I'm taking Hebrew Prophets, which is a really awesome class. I will admit, there is a ton of work assigned, which I'm not really used to. Most Bible professors I've had just have a few assignments due and the class is centered around lecture. My professor for this class though is definitely different, and a lot of our conversation in class is based off of the reading and regular assignments and multiple papers. I am probably more engaged in the scriptures than I have been in previous classes, which is really great since to be totally honest, most of these books I have not really read all the way through or studied before.

But can I just say... Israel is really STUPID!!! I can't believe the way they continually FORGET God and his covenant with them... and the role they play in that covenant. I just want to take them by the shoulders and say "HELLO! You have seen and encountered the majesty of the Living and Almighty Yhwh!!! Does that mean absolutely nothing to you???" I would give anything to witness the things they witnessed... and they just throw it all away for wooden sculptures and stone carvings... are you kidding me?

At the same time, I am also forced to notice the way we allow ourselves to forget the things we are called to remember... I am also guilty of turning my God into a cultural replication and forgetting that while he is intimate and personal with us... it is also important to remember to fall down in awe and fear and gratitude before him.

What great things to be reminded of!

That's all for now.

Grace and peace.

The Brother's Karamazov

2009-09-05T14:13:00.001-07:00

So it has been a long time since I have written, sad. Not that anyone reads this besides Matt anyway... ha! :)

Anyway, I am re-reading my favorite book of all time, The Brother's Karamazov, and let me just tell you, it is even better the second time around. Fabulous.

Here is a quote I ran across that I just absolutely love.

"Love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared with love in dreams.

"Love in dreams is greedy for immediate action, rapidly performed and in the sight of all. Men will even give their lives if only the ordeal does not last long but is soon over, with all looking on and applauding as though on the stage. But active love is labour and fortitude, and for some people too, perhaps, a complete science."

Love is messy... any love that does not require us to get our hands dirty and grimy from hard work and dedication, is only fantasy.

The End.

There is no place like home

2009-08-06T07:06:00.000-07:00

No matter where I have gone in life, I can't help but say, Dorothy had it right when she said, "there's no place like home..." I mean she found herself in one of the most magical, wonderful, colorful lands a person could dream up, and even still, it didn't hold a candle for her to the black and white world in which she had come. This is how I feel about home. I've been to some pretty amazing places, seen some pretty awe-inspiring sights, painted a few towns, yet still, nothing quite compares to the black and white world that birthed me... and I can't wait to go back! :D

Father Time

2009-08-02T16:44:00.000-07:00

A song I wrote today after church. Basically, I'm terrified of getting older... let's be honest. So... I wrote a song about it. lol :)

Father Time

I'm two... now twenty-two

and it flew right by

Father Time won't lie to you

See the photograph hangin on the wall

and I think to myself "how'd I get to be so tall...

and the world so small"

And as I wait around for my life to finally begin

it sinks in...

That it's every breath I take

Every smile I make

Every heart I touch

and the love I give away

That make's today...

So let us laugh and sing

and dance foolishly

Cry our tears

and pray fervently always

Cause all we've got is today

Cause then we're twenty-two, then forty-two

Then we'll be eighty-two

Yeah it'll fly right by

With no respect to you

And then we'll reminisce

About a time and place

When the world was a lovely and simpler place to be

And we'll remember when

We laughed and sang

and dance foolishly

Cried our tears

And prayed fervently always

When yesterday day was today...

So don't wait around for your life to finally end...

before it sinks in...

That it's every breath we take

Every smile we make

Every heart we touch

And the love we give away

That makes today

So go ahead and laugh and sing

and dance foolishly

Cry those tears

and pray fervently always...

Cause all we've got is today

Harmony between man, nature and machine...

2009-07-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

So this is sort of a random post to be sure, but I have been thinking a lot about it lately. My dad always gets sorely bent out of shape when anyone starts talking environmentally... which irritates the hell out of me, if I am honest. Essentially he thinks it is a waste of time because, and I quote, 'This world isn't going to be over until God SAYS it's over. Period." lol. I can still recall one of the biggest fights my dad and I ever got into was over some stupid, brainless comment he made at the television over some go green campaign the news was talking about. As I recall, I wasn't even attempting to argue with him, only to engage conversation... and wouldn't you believe it, he flew off the handle at me as though he were defending his honor. Buuut, all of this to say, my dad and I definitely do not see eye to eye on this issue in any means of the word. In fact, I hold firmly to the belief that we humans are entirely capable of destroying ourselves.

Anyway, what got me to thinking about this topic was a very clever set of commercials which have come out on TV recently for the Toyota Prius. Perhaps you have seen them. At first glance, they are bit strange... some what reminiscent of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Tele-Tubbies or something ridiculous like that... except much more artistic. But I saw it the other day, and I really watched it, and I was struck by the sheer brilliance of the commercial. As the commercial starts out, all of the landscape is white, and the purpose isn't exactly explicit. And then suddenly, people start emerging and moving about, and as they do so everything is changed to green. Flower people spring up, the water fall turns blue and vibrant, and the whole scene is playful and it just makes you want to drink in a deep lung-full of fresh air... or at least this is the sentiment I get. So when I saw this I thought, "huh! Imagine the work that would go into making a commercial like this. Each person would have to move at just the right time and do their individual part to make the corporate picture come together so flawlessly!" And then I thought, "What a brilliant representation and display of our personal responsibilities to make a difference!" Our world will not just magically go green. Each of us have to do our small, perhaps even seemingly insignificant part to go green and take care of the earth, and when we all do it together, a metaphoric symphony emerges in which "harmony between man, nature, and machine, really can be achieved." ;)

here is the video. enjoy! =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfQhC4bhgtE

My Bucket List

2009-07-21T15:13:00.001-07:00

So I was reading a friends blog and he had posted a bucket list. I was inspired... and while I have attempted to write many before, I was determined to not lose track of this one, and to finish it. So here it is.

My Bucket List

1. Write a book

2. Visit all 50 states

3. Sky dive

4. Bungee jump

5. Ride in a hot air balloon

6. Marry my best friend

7. Start a family

8. Take my immediate family (parents and sisters) on the perfect family vacation

9. Go on a mission trip to another country

10. Live abroad

11. Change my own tires & oil

12. Buy a fixer-upper house and make it home

12.5. When I get comfortable there, move and do it again :)

13. Grow and tend a huge vegetable garden like the one I grew up with

14. Spend a year doing travel photo-journalism

15. Get to a point where everything in my cupboards is organic

16. Raise my family in a green home

17. Put my children in Spanish emersion school

18. Become fluent in Spanish myself and spend an extended period of time in South America

19. Witness a miracle... the kind that makes your jaw drop, your knees hit the floor, and causes a reflex of unreserved worship & praise

20. Learn to surf and skim board

21. Go snowboarding

22. Run a half-marathon

23. Adopt a child from another country

24. Have a multi-racial family

25. Take each one of my sisters on a trip with me individually, to a country of their choice.

26. Get my MDiv

27. Develop and practice a posture of patience...

28. Get arrested for standing up for a good cause/something I believe in

29. Live with an open door policy that stands for anyone in need, regardless of what that need may be

30. Start a ministry

31. Find a way to turn work into play & something I love

32. Make my dad genuinely proud of me by choosing to follow my dreams instead of his

33. Feel great in a swim suit regardless of whether or not I have the "perfect" body for it.

34. Teach at some point in my life... preferably literature.

35. Be a mentor

36. Learn how to play the piano again

37. Record an album with songs I have written

38. Write more songs... lol

39. Live in the city

40. Live in the country

41. Live simply

42. Simply live

43. Collect photography from all the places I visit and have a room in my "house" where they are all displayed together

44. Go to Brazil and meet Tiago, the little boy I sponsor.

45. Scuba dive

46. Risk my life for the opportunity to help another

47. Refuse to walk the safe road in life

48. Maintain the posture of a student forever

49. Develop a personal library

50. Legitimately dance in the rain without reserve... with another person.

51. Ask at least 2 questions for every answer I find in life

52. Be the reason someone re-examines their life and faith, regardless of whether or not I ever know I was the reason.

53. Live my life in such a way that when I die, it will matter not how much I accomplished on this list, but rather how much I loved along the way... that the way I loved will be the only thing remembered of me.

On Life and Love and Friendship

2009-07-20T18:28:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it is about past relationships that, upon reflection, always make me feel melancholy. I suppose this is pretty standard across the board, but it is true of me for sure. And it's not even that I am sad, I don't think that is a proper account of my feelings, especially after enough time has passed in which I consider myself to be mended of hurt feelings or animosity or anything like that. But it's just a feeling of "oh yeah, I'd almost forgotten what it was like to tread those waters"... or "oh yeah, that was a good time in my life." Even if it doesn't end well, or in "happily ever after" (whatever that means), just being able to recall that there was a time when it was good to feel happy around that person, and remember the reasons why they made you smile and laugh, and think deeply, and pray fervently... those aren't bad feelings, or necessarily sad feelings, if anything they are happy, which is why I use the word melancholy... it's like a mixture of reminiscent and homesickness. Allow me to explain.

When I am homesick for instance, I may crave a visit home with my family or a time to remember what it was like to live at home, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that that point in my life, the time in which I was a child and lived at home, those days are over, and I am now at a point in life where I couldn't go back even if I wanted to. My life has moved on and carried me in many different directions, and I am too much a different person now to try and fit myself back into the skin I used to exist in. This doesn't automatically assume that the old skin was by any means a bad skin, it simply no longer fits (I think this is a mistake we make often when considering past relationships that didn't quite work out). And so alas, we must continue to march forward with simply our memories to accompany us along the journey forward. As for the visits home? I cherish them. To be less figurative, the remaining friendships and visits with those old flames... those too I cherish. I am happy to move forward, forward is good, and it's exciting and unknown, but sometimes it's good to visit old familiar territory and just appreciate it for what it is, for what it was, and be able to see the present through the lens of the past... that is, I am who I am today, because of that experience, that moment, whatever it is... it's a really neat perspective actually, if we can allow ourselves the vulnerability to look through that lens. And in the words of Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that." =)

Why did God Make Me Tall?

2009-07-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

This is a very random topic I understand. But I was talking with Matt today and he said he had been assigned this question in which he needed to construct an essay. He asked my thoughts and we shared our immediate instincts. He made a clear connection in that he believes God desires him to be in some sort of leadership role someday and how being tall is a sign of respect and authority (don't quote me on that, it was something along those lines). Anyway, I don't really think there is any wrong answer to this question, and I think his was a good observation, its just that I was struck at how distinctly different my thoughts wandered in a direction quite different from his own. Perhaps it's the pessimist in me, but this question struck me instantly & the first thing that came to mind were all of the things we miss that don't meet has at eye-level.

Consider when you were a child... the world seemed so big. No matter what you were doing, no adventure was too small- the world was literally our playground... a backyard in itself was an entire world all it's own for that matter. And being small... it is also brought to my attention that for many years we are forced to look up. Up at our parents, up at our older siblings, up at the world happening just above our heads. We were dependent upon others to care for us, keep us in line, and watch over us as we audaciously explored our environments without fatigue. There was a brilliance and mystery about the world then. Yet at the same time, it's brilliant to me how shamelessly observant children are. The phrase "way above your head" may be true physically for children, but in reality, kids rarely miss a beat. As a general rule of thumb, I would also argue that kids are also more in tune with the world around them. I have noticed, as I have made an intentional effort to smile at strangers on a daily basis, that it is only the children who receive the generous gesture with glee in their eyes and return it with pleasure. The adults however, receive it with suspicion, all the while I can't help but notice the look of surprise on their faces when they realize that the person walking toward them on the street isn't avoiding eye-contact or looking down at their phone, etc. etc. There is a kind of longing that lingers on their face as they awkwardly attempt to return a last minute, half-smile my way, if they even attempt at all. All of this to say, while children may spend a great deal of time looking upward with wonder at the world around them, it's rare that they miss what's going on right in front of their faces, a phenomena that I believe us adults have forgotten and miss out of every day.

So what exactly am I trying to say anyway? Well, that is a great question to be sure. But... I think it has something to do with where we place our values. Most of us consider being tall a blessing. There is a sense of power and authority that comes along with it. And often times, if we are honest, it's a physical manifestation of the way we so often look down, literally and figuratively, on others. How often do we walk down the street, with the advantage of not being a child, and walk right past the homeless man sitting against the building and find ourselves relieved we didn't have to look him in the eyes? Furthermore, we are tall enough that we no longer have the need to look up any longer. We have become self-sufficient and have no one to really look up to. So in essence we are stuck in this middle ground where the only things that matter are those that are able to meet us at eye-level... and we forget that there's an entire world that still exists out of the line of sight, north and south the horizon of our point of view.

So maybe God made me tall to keep me humble. More specifically, to teach me intentionality. Life is "easy" as a tall person (or an adult), others respect you and you have the freedom to handle situations however you choose, with very few people to answer to. So perhaps my point is much more figurative after all... if you haven't caught that drift already. I have to be intentional in meeting others where they are at, both physically and figuratively, and even in varying cultural contexts, as I am recently being made aware. One might equivocate this to taking time to STOP. and smell the roses along the way. Which I am learning a lot about this summer, as it goes against my own very independent, destination-oriented nature, is a discipline which requires much intentionality. And this is why I believe God made me tall... he knew it would be more difficult, but much more rewarding and refreshing to experience life through the eyes of a child. If only we would take the time to look upward toward the heavens and stand in wonder & reverence once again and not pretend we have all the answers. Furthermore if we could remember once again, despite our posture, how truly small we really are... and all the while not miss what is right before our faces and all around us simultaneously and the power we really do have to make a real difference in the life of another.

Feeling Tested

2009-07-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

Dear person who stole my computer.

I am not going to lie, I feel violated. I have no idea how you managed to get into my car and steal that which was not yours. But I want you to know, I forgive you. My heart is broken, not because of the computer itself, a computer is just an object, it can be replaced. But because years of my life are stored on this piece of equipment. Memories of my family, friends, precious memories... sacred memories. These are pieces of my history that I no longer have access to because you chose to take something that you felt you had a right to.

I feel put to the test now, how do I love someone who I feel has wronged me in such a way? I am not sure, but I know that the Lord is giving me strength to do so. It's funny, because if you would have walked up to me and shared with me your need for a computer, I would have taken my student loan money and tried to help you out. It's not that I place value in this computer, its that my family, my heart is stored in little increments on that thing, and now you have it.

If this resonates with you at all, I beg of you... please return to me what you have taken. You can turn it into 24 Hour Fitness in Glendora, where you took it (I am assuming), or where ever you found it, anonymously, and set things right. I will pay you for it back even. I don't know how I might convince you, but I pray that you would hear my heart through this message. I am not angry, I am sad. Very sad. That computer is the only material thing I really value... and it's because of those photos and my papers etc, etc. If you would like to set things right, without any repercussions, you have my word, then please contact me at 503-851-1208 or by email at cpruett@apu.edu.

Again, I forgive you, and I am praying for you. Please understand where I am coming from here. Again, I am willing to help you out if you are truly in need. That is the only computer I have. I am currently writing this from a friends computer.

Thank you. And God be with you.

-Cayla

Loving those who are difficult to love (Revolutionary love... continued)

2009-06-28T17:03:00.000-07:00

I have been learning a lot about what it means to love my neighbor lately. And by neighbor, I am not just referring to your best friend growing up whom you met because you were neighbors. Or even the people who are physically your neighbors at all for that matter. Generally, when Jesus made reference to loving our neighbors, he was referring to those who are difficult to love. Those that society casts out and says are unlovable. I have been wrestling with this concept a lot this summer.

To preface this, I had a dream the other night. It is significant I think to note that on this particular night before I went to sleep, I asked the Lord to give me a dream of significance. I don't know, I suppose this is similar to asking God for a "sign". Maybe it seems silly, I certainly felt silly asking for it. I mean, what kind of sign does one ask for? What kind of dream was I looking for? I don't particularly need a sign, let's be honest, I am flooded by the proof of my creator every waking moment. But just for the sake of asking, I did. For what it's worth, I wanted an encounter with God.

That night, I tossed and turned a lot. For those of you who know me, I am hardly a deep sleeper, I wake very easily and used to struggle from severe insomnia. Granted, this kind of sleeplessness is rare as of late, but I still encounter the nights in which I am unable to shut off my mind and fall asleep. I did, however, on this particular evening eventually fall asleep, but it was an unsettling sleep. I felt as though I were constantly walking the tightrope between sleep and awareness, and my dreams seemed very agitated. I was dreaming about the church, for no particular reason that I can recall. The details are foggy, but there was some sort of tension taking place in my dream, some debate of sorts over details I also can't recall. But what I do remember I remember clearly, and it left an impression on me that when I awoke, almost immediately I smiled and thought, "yeah, maybe that was from God." Essentially I remember this, "The answer is love." I cannot recall what the questions were, what was being debated, but I just remember insisting that the answer was love. Not just any love, a radical love. A love that was demonstrated by Jesus himself when he walked in the flesh with us. A love that changes lives, that changes the world.

Since I had this dream, I have found myself in prayer over things that have been plaguing my mind. Such as, "God, what do I do about this person?" The answer is love. "But God, they are so difficult to love." Once again, The answer is LOVE... (radical love isn't easy after all, look at where it got Jesus). And further more, "Lord, what is my purpose in this life? Where am I going? What am I doing? And what difference does it make anyway?" And shock surprise, the immediate thought that comes to mind every time is the impression this dream left on my mind and heart, that is, the answer is love. Love is a verb, an action, a choice. It outlines your purpose, it will lead you to the deepest, darkest places on earth, it is something you do, and it makes all the difference in the world. Ummm... yeah, okay God. I guess that's what you get when you ask God for an answer... you GET one. Crap.

There is a verse that I feel essentially states all that I just stated in a fraction of the space. It is found in John, chapter 13:35.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Sooo... what you're saying is we are supposed to love one another? lol. Okay, now I'm being facetious. My point being, in two sentences Jesus says three times the words: Love one another. Gosh, that must be a pretty big deal. And probably, maybe just maybe Jesus knew that we humans are pretty dense and sometimes it takes tedious repetition to get a point across so that it sinks in to our pathetic little minds. ;) juuust kidding! ...but seriously. This is a really hard concept to grasp. Love seems simple, but as someone wise once told me, "anything that is good, complicates your life."

I am drawn to another Scripture reference from Luke chapter 6:27-36

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

Translation for my life presently: "Love those who are annoying and needy (forgive my forthright language), be generous to them. If someone is consistently in need of things or your services, consider their needs above your own inconveniences.

Love those who are difficult to love, after all, anyone can love those that are easy to love. How does loving those who are easy to love set you apart in this world as my disciples? Anyone can accomplish this task. Love, radical love that brings light into dark places and literally changes the world, is not an easy love. And when this task is difficult, ask your Father who loves all generously and undeservingly and he will transform your heart and pour out a love inside of you that overflows onto others in a radical fashion so that you may begin to love those who are difficult to love."

Wow. This is transforming my life right now.

As you may be able to tell by now, I love literary references, but not just Scripture. Consider also this passage from probably the best novel ever written: The Brothers Karamazov.

(On the existence of God)

"Try to love your neighbor actively and tirelessly. The more you succeed in loving, the more you'll be convinced of the existence of God and the immortality of your soul. And if you reach complete selflessness in the love of your neighbor, then undoubtedly you will believe, and no doubt will even be able to enter your soul. This has been tested. It is certain."

Yeah, that pretty much wraps it up I think.

Chew on it, let me know what you think if you have any thoughts :)

Revolutionary love

2009-06-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

Something happened today. I am not really certain how to explain it... but God, He showed up. I'm pretty certain something inside me changed today. The interns spent time prophesying over one another this morning for the first time. I know, it sounds crazy... like some bad TBN special, but it was awesome. They prayed over me, and asked God if He might be trying to say something to me today, and a couple people spoke about images they had, and low and behold the flood gates were opened, and opened wide. I was like the dam broke and all the tears I have been storing up, too numb to cry came all at once baptizing me back into the world of the living. Jesus was waiting all this time to put the pieces back together, I just couldn't see it. I am chosen, the creator of the cosmos has chosen ME for something... something amazing. I think it's to love. I know it sounds juvenile, but I think it just might be revolutionary...

Getting back in the grove

2009-06-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

So lately I have really be plagued by a desire to get back into the grove of writing. Expressing myself in writing has always been a passion of mine, but I have long since forgotten the joy of doing so as life has interrupted and insisted I am too busy. But I have come to the conclusion that life will always be too busy, too demanding, too this, or that... sometime we just have to make time. Anyway, so here I am, laying it all out in the open. I can't lie, it's a vulnerable feeling, but I am hopeful of what's to come of it.

Thanks for reading :)

-Cayla